| WOW!!! how i forgot this thing |
[28 Nov 2007|12:24am] |
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Dean Martin - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer |
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for all of you out there who remember me, as I have not frequented this joint for some time, i have a couple updates (in no particular order):
Utrecht Universeteit
AMAZING, school is great minus the one exam from hell. Well, make that the only exam from the 10 week course covering everything neuroscience from molecular to linguistics and christopher colombus... I do not know what the latter two have to do with neuroscience, but apparently, somehow, they do... eh
I have a teaching gig in Amsterdam which I have to get more on top of, and a symposium and visiting professor thing to organize here in Utrecht. Lots of work, lots of fun, lots of great people
I HAVE THIS AMAZING INTERNSHIP on the spatial and temporal expression of genes involved in autism... sooo goooood! I have to start reading more on it.
Living
Living in the ghetto, seriously a month ago there was a roof top shooting 1 block away from my place. No big deal, there was just this dude that decided it would be a fun idea to take his gun on the roof and shoot. No one was hurt, guess he was a bad shot. But I love my neighborhood, lots of flare. The ghetto boys 17+ are nice, they just yell obscene comments; the younger boys used to say things like "can i kill you" or something along those lines, but because I can't understand dutch THAT well, I just smile and pat them on their heads. This confuses them, and thus they are not a problem either.
The dude I live with is getting outta control.... again. And my landlord is an ass... ASSSSSS
So I upgrading, moving the first of next year. To this amazing little neighborhood 5 min away from centraal station and full of vibrance, bussel, and texture.
Houssem Saga
Phew... don't know where to start this one, especially since I was reading 3 years of my previous entries in this journal. But, I'm over it. I have not heard from him again in 2 months or so now (yes, again... 3rd or 4th time?). His brother said he lost his phone. But as far as I'm concerned, he has my number written down, in his wallet, Maria has my number, HIS BROTHER has my number... so that's that. If he wanted to find me he could. I refuse to make anymore excuses for him. We are on a break right now, he doesn't know because I can't reach him... I'm not trying anymore. That is how you really know when stuff is really over. And he was supposed to move here but considering he doesn't know my address, that will be difficult. I was talking to my boss (Ger) about it a while ago and I said that I would only take him back if he moved mountains. And Ger said that this is the problem with women, they always want men to move mountains. Then I replied that a) there would be no need for him to move mountains if he called and b) I fucking deserve a little mountain moving, or at least someone who cares. So, in January or so, I am sending his stuff back. January is when he was supposed to move here, but there is a 0.05% chance that will happen and he can't live with me right now at my new place. It's been real hard but now, it's gone.
Other Exciting Developments
I have two fish, Ollie and Leopold. I love them, Ollie dances... Roxana and I scientifically proves this, as much as science proves anything. Leopold is suicidal so I have developed, the not yet patented, FISH GUARD 3000. Which is this plastic grate grid thing I put over their bowl when I am not home or sleeping. AND they are growing... I'm thinking that for Christmas, Santa might bring them a BIG HUGE IKEA VASE to live in, but there might be problems with cleaning it and they aren't that big yet... we'll see how Santa (aka my pocket book) feels about this come the 25th.
ASLO!!! I have been reconnecting with a very very wonderful friend (Nabil - RECAP: lived with him in Amsterdam for a bit, professor, amazing guy, blue tulip umbrella, you'd love him). One of those people you feel you've known forever. I want to write more about him, but I'll keep you hanging...
I am listening to Christmas songs right now... and it makes me happy yet not. I want to do SOMETHING- go SOMEWHERE- be with SOMEONE for christmas... but I do not think that will be plausible. But hopefully, I'll be really into my work around that time and celebrate with my fish. Which, now that I glance back seems pretty pathetic but as long as it snows and there are Oliballen to be found I think it will be good. I'm scared of new years. But I get to move again!!! Hopefully, this will be the last time for a while (unless I move back to Amsterdam). Oh, yea I miss Amsterdam like fuck.
I can't believe this year is almost over, it JUST started. I can't believe how I started out this year and how it will most probably end. I wonder what next year has in store.
I need to travel... I am getting that pressure in my chest, restlessness, withdrawl symptoms again... means it is time to either move (like to a different country, not across town) or have a new adventure. So new adventure... soon please!
AND, last note before I sign off for what might be another 6 months. TV ON THE RADIO is amazing and I have fallen in love with Ben Harper.
OK, JOKING... ha! This is the last word: So my mother sent me a care package, it was HUGE like 1.5x0.75x3 ft and it was FULL... FULL, PACKED, STUFFED, BRIMING with nothing but Ramen and Spagetti-O's (and 2 boxes of wheat thins and this pre=packed, pre-cooked chicken in a pouch that I am kinda frightened of).
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| Instead of packing, I am posting |
[15 May 2007|07:08pm] |
Phew, wow, gee
So I am done, I have been done for a while now. I got the most amazing evaluation on my thesis, my art installation went extremely well, graduating on the 19th.
I got into Utrecht and they are gave me a shit load of money to go. I'm uber excited about that.
I am now packing, and trying to get a tan. Yes, I am trying to get a tan... hilarious, I know. No matter how long I sit in the sun, my legs remain the exact shade of transparent white while the rest of me becomes scarlet. Eh, oh well.
I can't believe I am leaving this place yet, it hasn't hit, I don't understand. I'm sad to leave here but stoked about moving forever, or semi-forever, or until I deem appropriate, most likely forever.
I am waiting for this lady to get here, I better smoke a cigarette and put on some pants before she arrives!
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[10 Apr 2007|09:52pm] |
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My lungs are dying... and I am finishing my thesis.
I got funding for my installation so on the 8th of May, yours truly, will present a photo scavenger hunt of fragile X syndrome AND AND a walk in brain. You will enter this tiny room and suddenly be surrounded by GIGANTIC neurons of the PFC... excited?! I am... but first edt edit edit edit edit insane edit edit edit edit die edit edit edit edit
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| OMG |
[29 Jan 2007|06:43pm] |
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Sorry I have not posted lately OR even responded to e-mails... I have been lazy and very very busy at home for the past two weeks... I promise to be better, at least about responding to e-mails.
am writing because I am having th MOST amazng experience EVER.... I got a new computer (a MacBook, which I named Camillo after Camillo Golgi) and It has wireless.
Well.... I am sitting at the airport right now, right by where you get on the plane (the gate) AND AND AND I AM POSTING TO YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is orgasmic and SO fucking exciting, I want to scream, but I know this is not like a new thing so I cant but it is still AMAZING AMAZING.
OK, off to Mass! Bye BYe
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| I wonder how flowers photosynthesize in Holland |
[31 Aug 2006|02:22pm] |
On postcards you see flowers, loads of brighly colored healthy looking flowers.
When I go to the flower market there are tons of brightly colored, healthy looking flowers.
When I ride my bike around I see lots of brightly colored healthy looking flowers.
But, after living here for close to a year, it has just hit me. How can all the flowers look so great when the sun seems to have disappeared. It's like the sun and Holland are in a fight and the sun just walked out the door, and so all Holland can do is cry. And let me tell you, this country has been crying a lot lately.
But really, I don't mind. I kinda like it.
The lab is wonderful. I love comming here and working, drawing neurons, setting up behavioral tests etc. etc. And there are new students starting on monday, I get to teach them some stuff. Uber exciting, reminds me when Roxana, Marlou, and I started that one abnormally hot, sunny day in September.
I am trying for a fulbright, but I have to talk to Utrecht first. I just can't think of any place I'd rather be to do a masters. I have to set up a meeting first.
And just to catch people up on the romatic life front (this is the quick and dirty version): the morrocan is gone, and I've picked up a wonderful south african who is esentially like me, but male and hott.
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| not dead |
[18 Jul 2006|01:26pm] |
A lot of emotional things have changed.
But, now I'm back home and back to work. I have a beautiful view of the Amstel river. Nice to be here, wonderful to see everyone again.
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| Big frown |
[21 May 2006|09:35pm] |
I came home after studing calculus for the ENTIRE DAY to find everyone gone. I knew everyone would be gone but still.... this is sad.
I'm lonely - I've been home for 5 min. I want to watch TV, the TV we've never had...
poo
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| My favorite president ralph and his partner manfred |
[17 May 2006|01:22am] |
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Just got back from an evening of german opera (preformed by Mark aka Panda Bear) at the president's house.
After everyone had left, Mark, Tucker, staff, and I sat down and had drinks and lovely conversation with Ralph and Manfred.
Their house is gorgeous PLUS they are amazing hosts.... what a wonderful night!
One of my favorite moments was either when Mark was telling the story about semen on his arm OR when I was talking to a professor who was teaching the Islam course telling him that I wanted to take it when mark whispered something into his ear... and they both laughed. I asked what he had said, they giggled and said nothing. to which I replied, are you two talking about my Moroccan? We laughed.
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| Sleepy |
[16 May 2006|06:16pm] |
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birds and rain |
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For the past three or four days I have done nothing, minimal work, lots of seeping.
I wake up, do something, smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep. Wake up and the cycle continues. Who knew I could actually sleep this much?
Now I just got up from a 2 or 3 hour nap, ate a luna bar, taken a shower downstaris (the upstairs is muddy), smoked a cigarette and am off to Mark's preformance at the president's house.
Gosh, do I need to clean - tonight. Yes, tonight...
When did I become a sloth?
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| last night |
[23 Apr 2006|11:16am] |
I had a dream that Hampshire essentially went out of buisness and was going to move from Mass. down to north carolina because there they have beaches and that is a draw for new students.
So I asked the administration how the fuck I was supposed to finnish my Div III and graduate and they didn't care.
The administration then put up the Hampshire Campus up for sale for 1 million bucks....?
WHAT?
are my Div III nighmeres starting?
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| me siento culpable |
[15 Apr 2006|12:46am] |
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y por eso lo siento pero creo que... espero que un dia tu vas a entenderme
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| I got my name changed with freddie- I'm officially "woman" not "girl" |
[06 Apr 2006|12:34am] |
other things are rapidly changing... parent front, love front, life front
I haven't updated in so long, I guess I just kinda forgot this was here.
I feel like I have "come down with life" as Vonnegut would say, but not in the pessimistic sense he means.
I'm happy and stressed and directed and happy.
in another note, my spanish is improving - drastically
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| Grillz and Spilz and Maroccillz |
[17 Mar 2006|08:00am] |
Up for about a MILLION HOURS...
I'm dressed in black tights, red chucks, 70's skirt, black shirt, professor jacket, french braid, and new silver earings. off to NY of C
I missed my bus to smith to turn in my test so Sara is taking it... WHICH IS AMAZING AND WONDERFUL
and just now sara was looking online at what type of grill she should get... it is 8am!
off to sleep on the bus, I haven't done that in about a billion days or so.
FYI apparently a billion days or so = about a million hours
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| The sky is beautiful but it is fucking windy |
[15 Mar 2006|04:48am] |
1. lately when I wake up in the morning I am incapable of language. I make many animal like calls and groans.
2. yippee!
3. fuckin' midterm bullshit... bah bah bahhhhhhh
4. yippee!
5. I want to go to sleep for 10 million days entre de los brazos de Noureddine
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| Things that have happened |
[15 Feb 2006|11:37pm] |
as of the 10th i'm 21
sophie taught me how to hulahoop
i just got off the phone with my mother who basically said to me in very matter of fact terms that it is my life and i'm allowed to do what i want but she doesn't see where this thing with noureddine is going... because he is muslim. though, she is glad that i'm happy but she doesn't think anything will come of it.
AND I felt like hanging up the phone or slapping her because she basically was telling me that this is a nice "experience" but not to worry because i'll get over it. and i feel as though she is demeaning my feelings, this situation. She has a lot of stereotypes about "them" ie muslims/ moroccans.
I also don't know what will happen with him but i'm seriously planning on carrying through with it. yes, some of the stereotypes are true but most of them are not.
she thinks i want to go and live in morocco... she thinks this is just a phase... so when I'm older she can jokingly talk to me about my "Arab man phase" and how silly i was. If Noureddine wasn't moroccan or arab for that matter I know she would view this differently. Since when did this become my mother? You know,I don't think she even knows his name.
and i'm ever so excited about going "home" to florida because everyone now knows about my "silly arab phase"... oh, i loooooooove this, thanks ma.
to end on a brighter note, i called my gramy tonight who got really upset when i told her i wanted to do a master's program in the netherlands... she doesn't want me so far away. When I tolde her how great this particular program was she said, "But what about Harvard or Yale?".
I love her! She makes me laugh.
But when will people in my life stop imposing their ideas of what i should be and how i should live on me? How am I supposed to live up to an ideal that is not my own? Or for that matter ideals from many people? I think I might disappoint some people's expectations... I don't like that.
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| en mi mal espanol y porque el no va a leerlo |
[15 Feb 2006|02:07am] |
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tracy chapman |
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noureddine, mi dulce nouredinne
yo necesito hablar contigo. hasta cuatro dias. Cuatro dias en la vida no es un tiempo largo pero lo siento como esta eternidad.
yo se que no es tu culpa porque tienes que trabajar, lo respeto. No estoy enferma.
Pero cuando yo tengo un dia mal necesito oirte, tu voz, tus sensaciones. Necesito la posibilidad para llamarte. este cosa es muy dificil para mi. porque no se donde vamos en la vida. no se porque por ninguna razon estoy triste en mi dia. no es logico...
tu estas lejo, yo estoy leja... no puedo salir este momento en mi vida.
Porque mi vida, este vida con estudios, es la cosa mas importante para mi. Pero quiero que tu estas conmigo. No me importa donde estas pero que tu mente esta conmigo porque mi mente esta contigo cada dia, cada hora.
Creo que este es la cosa dificl para mi. Yo tengo dos vidas, y cada vida me encanta.
Por favor entenderme en este cosa. te quiero muchismo, pero a la mismo tiempo necesito hacer esta cosa, necesito graduar. necesito conocer todo que es noureddine. necesito que conoces todo de mi.
espero que podemos hacer eso, con todo mi corazon, mi mente, mi alma.
voy a llamarte ahora, pero pienso que no tendra exito... porque recientemente no tengo suerte hablar contigo.
otra vez lo siento por (para?) mi espanol, yo olvido muchismo y espero que si yo practico, mejorare.
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| Jumble |
[06 Feb 2006|01:27pm] |
The states. I really don't know what to say. I remember my first day at smith was weird. I was not used to seeing women walk around, women with blue mohawks and shaved heads. Women holding hands.
Now this is not to say that I have any sort of problem with it, it was just a culture shock.
And I don't know why.
On the bus girls were reading a fashion magazine and making obnoxious comments about it.
That was a culture shock.
Children speaking in english...
Something is different something is wrong and I don't know what it is.
I knew this might be a little difficult for me but that if I just worked my ass of from the moment I arrived back at Hampshire I'd be OK.
I don't know if it will be OK now.
I'm overwhelmed and don't know what is happening.
My head is somewhere else.
I wish I knew how I felt so I could express it. But there is just this feeling I have of the states of being back here in the states that I'm not kosher with.
I want to run away but at the same time I want to stay.
And I want everything to change and nothing to change.
I feel like I'm homesick but I don't know where my home actually is.
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| Whoa, the states |
[31 Jan 2006|09:06am] |
Back in the good ol US of A. Not too sure exactly how I feel about it. I was driven by miss liz berry straight from boston airport to hampshire college. I got a sign that says, "Carlyn welcome back to America!" and a little stuffed dinosaur who I named Immigration.
I talked to Noureddine this morning, woke Mia up. But it was so good to hear his voice, I cried a little. Part of me really misses him and the other part for some reason is OK. Like I know things will work out the way they should and we are taking things semi slow/ semi ridiculously fast. But at the end of the day I feel like I could spend my life with him and he knows me.
I'm also sick. Techinically I have been sick since te 27th (or 26th USA time). On the train from Madrid to Lisbon... and once I got into Lison the only thing i wanted was a hotel with running water, my own bathroom, a bed and a tv. The tv wasn't really important, more the own bathroom with running water thing. But with my 24 hours is lisbon i crashed on the bed and was in dying agony. Tried to go and find a pharmacy but i made it half way, almost collapsed and decided it was a far better idea to go back and lay down, agony and all.
Hampshire is surreal but certain people are helping to ground me. Familiar conversations etc etc...
I'm living with Mia, which is awesome but at the same time scary. I agree with what she said about our situation. But at least we are not in the same room. The rest of our mod is composed of 4 boys who all seem really chill. We composte. One guy, Eric I believe, has 3 buckets of algae or fermenting tea or both down stairs. So I mean this has to be a good situation, the randomness of three fermenting algae tea monsters downstairs! I think this will be a good living situation.
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| morocco!!!! |
[03 Jan 2006|11:58am] |
currently i am travelling with a girl from australia....
actually we have been travelling together since new years.
helpful hint if ever arriving in nador morocco, dont do it in the early morning... there were four of us- Rowena, myself, and an english couple and there was no bank, no hotel open or with any rooms.
there was a scary bum with scabs all over his face following us grabbing at out bags. but no worries, we ended up at a 5 star hotel and just sat in the lobby and stalled time by drinking coffee and eating breakfast.
so now i am in fes and i am in love with my cleaning lady at the place i am staying which is actually only 7 USD a night... and i even get my own room. will try to post more about morocco later.
so far i love it.
there is bussel everywhere, the streets are chaotic, there are horses with fruit waggens behind them (actually a bit sad), the best tea i have ever had in my life.
you can buy anything if you are sitting down at a cafe, they have little boys with cartons, packs, and single cigarettes to buy.
I do get hasseled a bit because i am blonde but this also means that for every creepy man there is at least 1 nice guy to fend him off for me (if needed).
happy new year!
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[30 Dec 2005|06:15am] |
Bah no significance Bah! Bah statistics and no sleep BAH!
SOOOOOOOOOO
INCRRRRRRRRRREEEDIBLY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW~
BAH!
Update 7.39 am:
After writing that I fled the lab, then walked in a HUGE circle around the parking lot and buildings talking to myself...
I admit when I go crazy I talk to myself... outloud
But I went to the metro (I am now no longer talking to myself), then at duviendrecht (rox, correct my spelling) this dude got on who started talking to me when I got off at he next stop about music and memory and that he had an amzing memory and started listing all sorts of things and song lists and something that he worked at a jail and that was really similar to what I am doing at the lab...
guess he did not pick up on my "BAH I'M CRAZY BAH I'M ANGREY AND SLEEP DEPRIVED" mood.
on second thought, he probably picked up on the "I'm CRAZY" part. but anyways
then, get this
on the next metro HE SUNG TO ME (loudly) "If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me anyways...."
THEN I REALIZED I had forgotten my keys, seriously, and had to return to the lab, where I am now.
Note to self: do this more often, very entertaining people are on the metro at 7am. Also, there are TONS of people oh, and the shops that aren't open usually when I go to work are open... weird.
Ok, so the point of my rambling story is that I got back to the lab, checked my e-mail. Got an e-mail from my not at all related uncle steve
( hell, I'll include it under here )
confirming how wonderful this man is
and then I proceded to leave the lab...
when almost out the door I realized I had forgotten my keys AGAIN.
Then decided that this was too good a series of events not to post on my LJ...
now, home to do laundry and back here circa 9am... phew
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carcar's journal